Once Bitten- I watched this so you don't have to

Oh wow, this is full of glorious 80'sness. At least I that's what I thought that before watching.

We have our opening scene, lavish mansion, and we see Sebastian, the Countess's butler who is played by Cleavon Little. He brings a glass of 300 year old blood to the Countess, aka Lauren Hutton.  Who is 390 years old. Because vampire. It turns out that she needs the blood of a male virgin 3x before Halloween, which is just days away. Whats a vampire to do?

Scene changes to Jim Carrey trying to pressure his girlfriend into having sex in his ice cream truck, she is a no. So Jim and his buddies decide to cruise Hollywood boulevard, because you guessed it, they are all virgins.

We see them cruising Hollywood boulevard in their ice cream truck, and it is a wonderful flashback of 80's fashion. When ankle socks were appropriate to wear with heels. Glad that fashion statement hasn't made a comeback.

Also a woman in a silver lamé outfit walking a lion down the street. As if that was legal. Come on people.

Jim & his two friends go to a bar that has tables with #'s and phones on them. The phones are shaped like red lips. Soooooo 1980's. And then comes a transphobic joke. The worst. PSA they still happen and they are never ok. PSA over

Lauren aka the Countess hits on Jim, takes him home. At home she has all the people she has turned into vampires, who are apparently reliant on the virgin blood as well, because if she dies, they die.

These vampire progeny are all hanging out in the basement in their coffins. One of them has confederate flags all over it because he was a confederate soldier. Someone should tell him that one, he was fighting on the wrong side, and two, its time to burn those flags and read some books. I would suggest starting with "Tears we Cannot Stop, a Sermon to White America" by Michael Eric Dyson.

Back to Jim who was bitten. His girlfriend finds out he had a tryst with a countess and promptly ends their relationship. Jim then proceeds to have a lot of strange dreams involving the countess and accordion music.

Jim's girlfriend takes him back (that was quick) based on his excuse of "I am a teenager". Apparently they are in high school.

Jim and his friends are still searching for women, so they go to a laundromat. Because that is apparently the place to pick up "lonely, bored, women." Yeesh.

One of them uses this pick up line. "Hi there, I am Russ, and I am a Saggitarius. I enjoy surfing, candlelit dinners, and Tolstoy,  Look I am a mature person, and you are a mature person, so why don't we just skip all the bullshit, embrace our inhibitions and just DO what we really want to DO." As if that would work on anyone. Well the woman he says it to says yes. Movies.

Jim is back with his gf and the Countess finds him because remember she needs to bite him three times. She bites him, he is slowly turning into a vampire. So he does what any self respecting almost vampire would do, goes to confession. After he confesses the priest says "Get yourself a shovel you're in deep shit." Worst pastoral care ever.

Jim has more hallucinogenic dreams. In this one he is a vampire with the countess and he bites his girlfriend. Also apparently when you turn into a vampire you start to wear lots of makeup. Fascinating.

Jim & his gf go to the high school Halloween dance. There is a dance-off. Including Jim playing his leg like it is a guitar. PSA every movie should have a dance off.
The Countess and Jim's gf are having a dance-off over him. Newsflash, he isn't that special ladies.

He tells his gf about turning into a vampire. She goes to a bookstore to research vampires because Google wasn't around yet.

GF tells Jim's friend they need to check his inner thigh for two sores. cause that isn't weird at all. We now have an awkward high school gym shower scene with his friends trying to see if he has bite marks. Which results in homophobic epithets to him and his friends. Ugh.

The Countess abducts his gf, hijinks ensue with Jim and his friends rescuing her, running through the mansion with a high paced 80's soundtrack.

The Countess doesn't get her third bite of a virgin, which means she ages. She ages shrieking "I need a virgin. Where is a virgin." And scene. The end. Yikes.