Toyland. It's a thing.
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Babes in Toyland (1986)
Going vintage here! When researching this film I realized there are three other films, 1934, 1961, and 1997. Because with a story this bad let’s remake it multiple times.
This one stars a very young Drew Barrymore who is just adorable. We find her home alone on Christmas Eve, she hears a blizzard is coming and leaves the house to run to the toy store where her sister is working. Despite her mother telling her not to leave. She doesn’t follow directions well. Her sister Mary and her soon to be bf Keanu Reeves are working at this toy store with a very mean and sexually harassing manager. They leave in a very dramatic fashion, take a toy sled on the way out and drive home. On the way home the car hits something and Drew Barrymore slides out the back (it’s a jeep) and slides down a hill on a sled, hits a tree, and ends up in Toyland. Who knew that was how to get to Toyland? Toyland aka your worst acid trip ever. With characters out of nursery rhymes. But Drew just takes it in stride like it’s an everyday furry convention.
Drew arrives just as Mary Quite Contrary (her sister) is marrying the evil guy known as Barnaby (also the manager from the store). Forced marriage because Barnaby holds the mortgage to old mother hubbard’s (OMH) home. OMH is Mary’s momma. Barnaby is an older male with bad teeth and a very long thumbnail. He lives in a bowling ball and has a bird like creature with one eye that can see what other people are doing/saying.
Drew interrupts the wedding and guess who is there! Keanu Reeves. Then the plot takes a turn that Keanu has to get married to get a job at a cookie factory. Seriously, a bad acid trip. Also a bit of a plot hole.
Evil guy goes to cookie factory with his minions and throws a bunch of the merch into a pit. The pit very conveniently being under a door in the floor right next to all the merch.
Then the judge comes, who looks like he came straight out of Amish country. Barnaby then says that Keanu stole the cookies, and tells the judge to lock him up. But the cookies have gone to hell! Literally. Keanu goes to the slammer. His charge? “Suspicion of grand cookie larceny.”
Note in reading up on this movie apparently the original was 145 minutes long, but then it was shortened to 94 minutes for overseas release. Thankfully. I don’t think I could sit through 145 minutes of this. Even with cold medicine on board.
They go to sneak Keanu out of prison with Drew tricking the Amish judge into being locked in the cell. Her parting words? “I am sorry sir but that is the way the cookie kingdom crumbles.” Seriously.
Various scenes ensue, with all the main characters ending up in Barnaby’s dungeon, where Barnaby is releasing all the evil in the world which is a green vapor. Drew tells all her friends not to breathe it in, and realizes she is immune because she is from Cincinnati. Who knew? They sing a song about Cincinnati and are immune. I wish I would have known that before I got this cold.
Driving around toyland in Barbie cars ensues, and the movie ends with a fight with toy soldiers and good prevailing. Barnaby is banished. Keanu and Mary are married, OMH and Amish judge have a hint of romance, and Drew goes home with the toymaster who has now become Santa. Apparently people can fill multiple roles here. Drew wakes up at home with her family. Everyone is safe! And she learns whats its like to do acid long before she should.
This movie was terrible. Does anyone like this movie? I couldn’t imagine 145 minutes of it. I give it a D.
Christmas movies so white scale 9.5
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090683/
Babes in Toyland (1986)
Going vintage here! When researching this film I realized there are three other films, 1934, 1961, and 1997. Because with a story this bad let’s remake it multiple times.
This one stars a very young Drew Barrymore who is just adorable. We find her home alone on Christmas Eve, she hears a blizzard is coming and leaves the house to run to the toy store where her sister is working. Despite her mother telling her not to leave. She doesn’t follow directions well. Her sister Mary and her soon to be bf Keanu Reeves are working at this toy store with a very mean and sexually harassing manager. They leave in a very dramatic fashion, take a toy sled on the way out and drive home. On the way home the car hits something and Drew Barrymore slides out the back (it’s a jeep) and slides down a hill on a sled, hits a tree, and ends up in Toyland. Who knew that was how to get to Toyland? Toyland aka your worst acid trip ever. With characters out of nursery rhymes. But Drew just takes it in stride like it’s an everyday furry convention.
Drew arrives just as Mary Quite Contrary (her sister) is marrying the evil guy known as Barnaby (also the manager from the store). Forced marriage because Barnaby holds the mortgage to old mother hubbard’s (OMH) home. OMH is Mary’s momma. Barnaby is an older male with bad teeth and a very long thumbnail. He lives in a bowling ball and has a bird like creature with one eye that can see what other people are doing/saying.
Drew interrupts the wedding and guess who is there! Keanu Reeves. Then the plot takes a turn that Keanu has to get married to get a job at a cookie factory. Seriously, a bad acid trip. Also a bit of a plot hole.
Evil guy goes to cookie factory with his minions and throws a bunch of the merch into a pit. The pit very conveniently being under a door in the floor right next to all the merch.
Then the judge comes, who looks like he came straight out of Amish country. Barnaby then says that Keanu stole the cookies, and tells the judge to lock him up. But the cookies have gone to hell! Literally. Keanu goes to the slammer. His charge? “Suspicion of grand cookie larceny.”
Note in reading up on this movie apparently the original was 145 minutes long, but then it was shortened to 94 minutes for overseas release. Thankfully. I don’t think I could sit through 145 minutes of this. Even with cold medicine on board.
They go to sneak Keanu out of prison with Drew tricking the Amish judge into being locked in the cell. Her parting words? “I am sorry sir but that is the way the cookie kingdom crumbles.” Seriously.
Various scenes ensue, with all the main characters ending up in Barnaby’s dungeon, where Barnaby is releasing all the evil in the world which is a green vapor. Drew tells all her friends not to breathe it in, and realizes she is immune because she is from Cincinnati. Who knew? They sing a song about Cincinnati and are immune. I wish I would have known that before I got this cold.
Driving around toyland in Barbie cars ensues, and the movie ends with a fight with toy soldiers and good prevailing. Barnaby is banished. Keanu and Mary are married, OMH and Amish judge have a hint of romance, and Drew goes home with the toymaster who has now become Santa. Apparently people can fill multiple roles here. Drew wakes up at home with her family. Everyone is safe! And she learns whats its like to do acid long before she should.
This movie was terrible. Does anyone like this movie? I couldn’t imagine 145 minutes of it. I give it a D.
Christmas movies so white scale 9.5
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0090683/
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